Tag Archives: forgiveness

4 Ways to Keep Your Anger Managed

My morning started out just as exciting as always yesterday. I was downstairs, half awake with bed-head hair, getting Batman vitamins for my two pre-kindergarden aged boys, and vaguely listening to the TV as they crunched away on Honey Bunches of Oats, when I heard it again. Wisdom from a preschool cartoon. I’m amazed at how often this happens. With all the garbage we “grown-ups” watch, I’m reminded of the posters you see in classrooms stating, “Everything I need to know, I learned in Kindergarten.”

This is obviously an overstated simplification, but I think of that saying sometimes when I hear the amazing life lessons that my kids are taking in passively as they watch silly cartoons. Yesterday (and today again) it was the Muppet Babies. If you stick around for the end of the video below you can hear the overproduced theme song that hasn’t left my brain the last 48 hours. I’m only slightly less sane than I was last week because of it.

Anyway, during yesterday’s episode, Animal (the wild and crazy Muppet that bangs away enthusiastically on his drum kit) got very angry. Animal’s “big feeling” turned him into a gigantic 50-foot-tall version of himself that had a negative impact on his best friends (Kermit, Miss Piggy, etc.). Does this sound like you at all? Maybe not the giant thing, but the part about your anger hurting those around you? If so, read on! If not, read on anyway, because you likely know someone who struggles to contain their anger. You might be able to better support them, and understanding their process might help.

  1. Catch your anger early. Unless you are very young or are neurologically/biologically impaired, there’s a great chance that this one step will make a dramatic impact on your  anger. So often we get ourselves in difficult spots, say things we end up regretting, etc. because we don’t respond to the first feeling we have. You get a little frustrated… or disappointed… or rejected. Feelings often start small, and only build when we don’t address them early. Let the feeling build, fail to seek repair in relationships, and I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be impacted by the feeling transforming into something bigger and more difficult to manage down the road. Catch it early. Address it early.
  2. Feelings never last forever. Yes, if you fail to address it, your anger will build over time and come back to bite you. However, if you take steps to reconcile ruptured relationships and address the primary problem, you won’t experience the same negative emotional consequences later. Feelings come and go. They can be intense for a while, but they ALWAYS subside. Take some deep breaths. Pray. Go for a short walk. Meditate. Whatever you need to do to cope, do it! This will give your body the time it needs to come down from the angry high. For many people, men in particular, this often takes about 20 minutes. Once your body is calm your brain likely will also be calm, and you will be able to address the person/issue with more respect and wisdom than when you were agitated. If you’re in a relationship with a man who often gets angry, talk with him (*at a time when you are both already calm) about maybe taking 20-30 minute time-outs in future arguments to calm down before coming back to discuss the issue again. Big feelings don’t stay big forever.
  3. Lean into your support network. If you tend to get agitated easily, try to spend more time with people that care about you. They will build you up and put you in a better emotional space where you can handle life’s frustrations and disappointments. We often get angry because we’ve failed to receive or achieve something. Knowing you have the support of your closest friends and family can act as a buffer against any negative self-talk you might be tempted to engage in when life setbacks happen. Lean into the people who will continue to support you after you fail and go a bit over the edge with angry behaviors. They should also be challenging you to grow, but in a way that shows they love you and want good things for you.
  4. Finish unfinished business. If you have unfinished business with people, meaning that you have old wounds that have not healed, unforgiven hurts, unresolved anger, bitterness, or resentment, it’s time to let it go. I don’t mean that there should not be consequences for past actions, or that you have to like the bad things that have happened to you in life, or even like the people that have hurt you. What I mean is that you need to FORGIVE the people who have hurt you. (For a post all about forgiveness, click here). This means that you need to let go of emotional hurts from old wounds. Feelings serve a purpose in that they are informative, and can be motivating for us. But they can also get in the way if we hold on to them too long. Finish your unfinished business. Even if the person who hurt you has died, moved away, or simply refuses to respond to your efforts to connect. It takes two people to have an ongoing relationship. It only takes one person to forgive. Don’t let pride get in your way. You don’t need revenge (even though you might want it). You need forgiveness. Probably for yourself for some things, but definitely for the other person. This can happen in stages or percentages, but it does need to happen. Refuse to let other people have control over your feelings. Don’t let your life continue to be about them. Live your own story!

All told, managing anger can be relatively simple if we practice and utilize basic coping skills, keep anger in perspective, cultivate relationships with dependable social support sources, and move beyond past hurts by moving toward forgiveness. This process can be daunting at first, but if we make these actions ongoing habits, they get much easier over time. If you want or need help with this process, ask for it! Freedom from anger is often easier to achieve with someone walking the journey alongside you. Remember, big feelings don’t stay big forever. You just have to do your part to manage them.

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Fast Fix Flowers: Listening Between the Lines

Fast Fix Flowers: Listening Between the Lines

A while back I was talking with a distressed couple on the brink of ending their relationship. Their situation reminded me of the importance of closely attending to what our partners really want. I call this “listening between the lines.” In this situation the wife was tremendously upset by something awful the husband had done. Embarrassed. Livid. This was how she felt, and rightfully so. She just wanted distance. Space to think and feel. Almost anyone in her situation, including you or I, would probably feel the same.

Follow up actions can help or harm.

The husband, to his credit, owned up to his actions and began doing what he could to initiate repair in the relationship. One such action was to buy his wife flowers. Under normal circumstances this would be a welcome gesture to most wives! A thoughtful, spur of the moment gift to make her feel special, right? Perhaps not surprisingly, in this situation the wife was more upset by the gift. She saw it as a refusal to respect her desire for space and time to process her feelings and decide what she would like to do moving forward.

What kind of flowers does she really want?

The repentant husband learned that giving his wife some space was exactly the kind of “flowers” she wanted. It wasn’t about a quick fix, or something that would directly make her (or him) feel better in the short term. It was about allowing forgiveness to happen on his partner’s terms, if at all. The first step to potential healing was to give up control over the healing process and take the risk of giving exactly what his wife needed at the moment.

Ask for what you need!

If you’ve experienced a breech of trust in a relationship, been hurt deeply, and felt like giving up on a relationship that means the world to you, it’s important to ask for exactly what you believe you need. Setting boundaries will be important. You may want space. You may initially want more frequent check-ins with your partner. You will typically be the best person to identify your needs in any given moment. That said, your partner may need to help you express those needs, and this can be hard to do if communication has not been a strength in your relationship.

Finding the journey too difficult alone?

Learning to trust again, learning to communicate in healthy ways, having someone to facilitate discussion and problem-solving, these are all things that effective marriage counselors can help with. If you are in the Huntington Beach or Orange County area and need help getting a derailed relationship back on the tracks, please give me a call to discuss how I can help.

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Forgiveness is NOT saying “It’s okay.”

We’ve all been hurt by someone. Perhaps it happened today, or it might have been 50 years ago. And just maybe you’ve been consistently hurt and been walked on by people throughout your life. (If you are continuing to be harmed by your perpetrator you need to take steps to extract yourself from that situation, even if temporarily. This is another conversation, but I would encourage you to consider learning more about enhancing personal boundaries, self-esteem, and self-respect as potential starting points for your journey toward safety in your relationships.)

It may have been someone close to you. It may have been a complete stranger. It may have even been an impersonal event like a natural disaster. Whomever or whatever you identify as the perpetrator of your pain, you may have never been able to completely move on. Perhaps there are unpleasant feelings that linger on the fringes of your daily existence. It may be that those feelings are strong enough to direct your every movement in life and relationships. If this sounds like you, chances are there is someone you need to forgive.

At this point you may be asking yourself, “Why should I forgive him/her? They don’t deserve it. They were inconsiderate. They insulted me. They embarrassed me. They took everything from me.” These may all be true. The problem is that as much as that person is all those things, or at minimum had a weak moment in which they hurt you, the event is in the past. By continuing to live in pain in the present and refusing to forgive him/her you are allowing that person to continue controlling your feelings. If you can bring yourself to forgive them, you free up yourself to take back control of your emotions.

If this last bit sounds unfair, you may have an inaccurate view of what forgiveness really means. Forgiveness does NOT mean condoning, agreeing with, or being okay with an event in which someone harmed you. It does NOT mean forgetting the event, its significance, or its consequences. Some dictionaries define “forgive” as, “to stop feeling anger toward someone/thing that has done you wrong” or “to stop requiring payment of/for” something (as in the government forgiving/eliminating your student loan debt once you have worked a certain number of years in an underserved area).

What does this really mean for you? It means acknowledging the event, making peace with your personal reactions to the event, and telling yourself (and possibly the perpetrator) that you’re moving on. You stop thinking that someday the perpetrator will pay you some penance to make you feel okay. It may never happen. You thus refuse to let the perpetrator/event control your feelings from this point forward, you let go of the desire to have them pay for what they did, and you stop thinking so much about that person/event.

Forgiveness can be an internal experience. It can happen when you are alone, and the perpetrator need not know you have forgiven them. They do not need to be present, or even alive for you to experience the freedom of forgiveness. Forgiveness is about acknowledging, learning from, and moving beyond the unwanted event so that you can begin living in the present. Every moment spent dwelling in the past is a moment of today that cannot be regained.

So why do you continue to refuse to forgive? Because you are still angry? Because they don’t deserve it? You may be punishing yourself, thinking that if you suffer constantly the perpetrator will see your suffering and understand the magnitude of their wrongdoing. Maybe they will finally grasp the depth of your pain and feel remorse. Maybe they’ll even change their behavior. Perhaps you can teach them a lesson and prevent harm to someone else?

The unfortunate truth is that, in all likelihood, the person to whom you are desperately trying to demonstrate your pain may be unaware of or indifferent to that pain. This is why your decision to forgive cannot be about the person you are trying to forgive. Once you stop hoping that they fall into a manhole walking down the street and decide to forgive them, you can choose to wish good things for them, pray blessings on them, or simply live as though they no longer exist. The thing is, forgiveness may be end up benefiting the perpetrator, but forgiveness is really about the forgiver.

Waiting until you feel like forgiving is another way to prevent moving forward. Given the degree to which you were (are) upset by this person, chances are good that you may never actually want to forgive them. It needs to be a conscious decision. However, it does not need to happen all at once. To be successful, you may need to move forward in small increments. It is okay to forgive a bit at a time, as you are ready (for instance, you may initially decide that you can forgive someone 10% and bump that number up over time). Remember that this process is about you moving forward, and it can only happen at your pace.

Finally, forgiveness involves grace, which must be given, not earned. In this sense, you never forgive someone because they deserve it. You forgive them because you deserve it. Ultimately you need to square yourself with the idea that you deserve to move on. That it’s better for you to move on. That it is okay to leave the past in the past and live in the present. The people you love will be grateful to have you back, no longer shackled to the emotions of yesterday’s drama and trauma, fully engaged in the moments spent with them. It’s time to think differently about forgiveness. Not as a way for your abuser to escape responsibility, but as a way for you to escape resentment and live in emotional freedom.

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

(Dr. Everett Worthington has written several works dedicated to helping people achieve forgiveness. He speaks out of his research and personal experience (his mother was murdered years ago and he has worked to cultivate forgiveness in his own life). His books are definitely worth a read if you are looking to move forward with this process.)

Are you worth a second chance?

I watched the movie, “Seabiscuit” yesterday, and for any of you who have not seen it, I’d highly recommend it. While the film is well-acted, -directed, etc. it’s really the story that jumps out. At face value, “Seabiscuit” is a horse racing movie. I understand that 2/3 of you may have just tuned out, but stay with me for a quick minute here. If you look past the action/drama of the come-from-behind horse racing story, a much clearer picture emerges.

The foundation of the story is the constant struggle to overcome. The characters have all experienced a significant loss and are dealing with the powerful emotions of grief, depression, remorse, anger, self-doubt, and uncertainty. One of my favorite lines from the film is, “You don’t throw a whole life away just because it’s banged up a little.” This is said at times when characters are experiencing others giving up on them because of their failures, flaws, losses, even poor state of health.

Surely most of us have felt pretty low at times. Perhaps you’ve gotten to the point that you wanted to (or did) give up on an important relationship, career, education, business venture, or marriage. Maybe you’ve felt “banged up” in life. If you’re at all like the characters in “Seabiscuit” you’ve probably felt the need to have a second chance at something, maybe at life in general.

One of the hardest parts of this whole “second chance” business is the need to be able to give yourself one. It won’t really matter how many chances others give you if you are unable to see yourself as worthy of receiving them. If someone gives you a new lease on life by forgiving you, asking you on a date, hiring you, etc. there’s not much chance that you’ll fully take advantage of the new opportunity if you haven’t first taken a crucial internal step.

It is imperative that, regardless of how many times you have let yourself or others down, you forgive yourself, accept yourself, or at minimum, consider that you just might do better the next time.  See the possibility of a different outcome. You may need to lean on someone else for this at first. This is about hope, and sometimes hope can be hard to come by.

The bottom line is that when it comes to second chances, to make the most of them you’ve got to start with yourself. Whether you ask for one or it’s simply given to you, a second chance is easy to waste if you haven’t personally entertained the thought that you can be, feel, relate and live better.

“Seabiscuit” is about overcoming. It is about community. A coming together of broken people finding their wholeness by being vulnerable with each other and trusting that they are better together. However banged up life has left you, remember that you’re still here. You’ve made it this far! I don’t know what your second chance looks like, but since you’re reading this, it seems life has given you one. It’s up to you how you use it.

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.