Category Archives: Motivation

Emotional Wellness, Motivation, Relationships, Self Care, Self Help, Tips for Couples, Uncategorized

Stand Up Against Self-Bullying

I don’t have much time for reading in this season of my life. I’m a full time professor for a doctoral psychology training program. I have a wife and three kiddos that I spend time with any chance I get. I enjoy seeing clients and supervising pre-licensed clinicians one evening a week. All told, there’s not a lot of wiggle room in my schedule. So I don’t read books. I listen (grateful shout out to my library apps: Libby and Hoopla!).

“12 Rules for Life”

During my commute a couple weeks ago I was listening to a book by a Canadian psychologist and professor named Jordan Peterson called 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. Dr. Peterson is considered a bit of a controversial figure by many. He has been involved in some political mix ups in recent years, but that’s not what I’m interested in writing about. While I know that many folks out there disagree with some of his political stances, theories about society, etc., I have to admire that he tends to say exactly what he believes to be true.

In an age where being politically correct at the expense of personal honesty and integrity is commonplace, Dr. Peterson says what he is thinking…backlash be damned. In 12 Rules for Life, Dr. Peterson digs into (among many other issues) the concept of standing up for yourself against bullies. More specifically, he says, “It is not virtuous to be victimized by a bully even if that bully is oneself” (p. 59).

Enemies, Foreign and Domestic

This statement reminds me of the “Oath of Enlistment” taken upon joining a branch of the United States armed forces. In this oath, a pledge is made to “…defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” This oath is not taken lightly, and much sacrifice is required of them who make it.

Let’s consider Dr. Peterson’s quote in light of the above pledge. To accept victimization from a bully is to, in a way, validate the purpose and message of that bully. To not stand and fight is to acknowledge one’s own inferiority or powerlessness. It perpetuates the negative message you tell yourself and the world. Many of us would sooner stand up against a stranger for the mistreatment of a stray dog than we would stand up against an acquaintance for mistreating ourselves. What does that say about us? Are we not more important than dogs? (I know some of you may disagree with me and say “Dogs are people too.” That’s fine and I know you get a lot out of your relationships with your animals. I just would caution you against replacing higher order, mutually challenging human attachment relationships with animal relationships).

Standing Up is Risky!

That said, to stand and fight also involves risk. Not only physical risk, but emotional and social risk as well. What if you lose the fight? What if you end up getting hurt or looking foolish? A thousand things can go wrong. But some things, important things, may go right. 

This concept would be a great discussion for another article, but the real thing I want to focus on here is not bullying by an outsider (foreign). I want us to consider self-bullying (domestic). How many times do we hear a message from someone else, some terrible assessment of our character, our identity, perhaps our very existence (“The world would be better off without you!”), only to turn around and internalize that message? How often do we absorb criticism from others and then levy that same criticism against ourselves?

Self-Bullying

There is nothing “virtuous” about self-hate, self-loathing, and self-pity. They aren’t helpful. They don’t fix your problems, your relationships, or your mood. Sure, they may garner you some attention, but probably not the kind you really want. Being self-deprecating can be funny. Many a professional comedian has made a living with self-hating jokes. But you’re probably not a professional comedian. And many of them aren’t that happy despite having a socially acceptable outlet for their self-bullying.

All self-victimization will likely bring you is depression and awkward relationships in which your loved ones take pity on you, but do not enjoy your company as much as they could if you were healthier. Staying in a terrible relationship without setting some boundaries and speaking up for your desires and needs does nobody any good. Neither of you grows. At least not in a positive direction.

Both Parties Should Be Strong

Relationships tend to be healthier when all parties involved are strong. But all elements of the relationship need not be equitable at all times for a relationship to remain strong. What matters is that there is an understanding that each party may go through seasons of greater than usual need, and the other picks up the slack. When this season extends beyond what was originally intended, however, the relationship terms may need to be discussed and possibly renegotiated to ensure a greater degree of equality in support of each party, even if that support looks different than it used to.

Exceptions to the Rule

Accommodations may need to be made for serious injuries, illnesses, sudden changes in employment, particularly busy seasons at work, birth of a new child, hospice care for a parent, etc. All of these things, however, should never result in the benefit of one party through victimization of the other. Successful relationships involve mutual decision-making, gratitude, sacrifice, challenge, tension, and growth.

Next Steps

There is no place for self-victimization in a healthy relationship. If you find yourself in this place in a relationship, it’s time to have some hard conversations with yourself, your friends, your partner, your parents, your boss, and maybe a therapist.

Take stock. Assess whether in each of your relationships you are valued appropriately. Ensure that anywhere you are not appropriately valued and treated that you are not playing a role in your own mistreatment. To the degree that you are, it’s time to do something different.

Will YOU Stand Up For YOU?

I can’t tell you exactly what your next step is because I don’t know your exact situation, the social, physical, and legal risks involved, etc. What I can tell you is that while depression sometimes resolves on its own, failing relationships and self-victimization seldom do. For something to be different, somebody needs to do something different. Maybe that someone is you! What or who is your next step?

Robert2

Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 949-478-0665 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

 

 

Mirror photo credit: Min An

Motivation, Self Care, Self Help, Uncategorized

Live your life in episodes

Did they find the body? Did she say yes? C’mon, Chris Harrison, who gets the final rose tonight?!?!!?!

I was remarking to my wife last night as we began binge-watching Designated Survivor, that you can tell when a show was made for TV, because they build in suspense by adding commercial breaks at critical points in the action.

Why is binge-watching so addicting?!

I can’t speak for you, but what I love about binge-watching shows on Netflix is the continuity of story, emotion, and drama. I love that there are no commercial breaks in the action. I love that I don’t have to wait a single second to continue having the emotionally engaged experience that I’m having. I don’t even have to wait between episodes, because Netflix now allows me to “Skip the Intro” to many shows! It’s literally seconds between episodes. It’s almost hard to tell where one episode ends and another begins. This is great when watching Netflix, but not for our lives and relationships.

What we lose by binge-watching our lives

Unfortunately, we often tend to live much of our lives as though we are starring in a Netflix Original show. We don’t build in breaks in the action. We don’t tend to slow down, digest what we just saw, heard, or experienced. We just push through to the next thing.

What would happen if you built in a commercial break in the action? What if you slowed down enough to talk to your spouse about that thing you’ve been worried about? What if you called that friend you’ve been meaning to get in touch with? What if you finally called a therapist to work through what happened to you a few years back? What if you said “no” to yet another request and just took a nap instead?

If we don’t take a break from the action, there’s no chance to process, sift through, and move on from difficult feelings, relationship struggles, and the drama, and sometimes trauma, of life. Sometimes we just need to be assertive with ourselves and others, and set up some healthy boundaries.

Live your life in episodes

As much as we may love to binge-watch our shows with no commercials, and no breaks between episodes, it’s not healthy to live our lives like that. Live your life in episodes. Yes, there will be common themes, and some story lines will follow from one episode to the next. But allow yourself some space, resolution, and healing, by not living it all at once. Breaks are healthy. Sleep is healthy! Saying “Yes” and “No” can both be healthy at the right times and with balance.

What about the bad episodes?

Even if you do this, your life will have some bad episodes. Perhaps you’ve made some bad decisions, or someone else made decisions that impacted your story in a negative way. Maybe there are some episodes you’d just rather forget even aired in the first place. Whatever your story may be, remember that you can choose to live your life in episodes. You can choose to move forward from those hurtful episodes to more joy-filled ones. Only you can make the choice to stop re-watching the same episode over and over. It may require some help, but you’re the only person with the remote control, and the only one who ever will.

Grab the remote!

It’s time to think about which episode you keep replaying, and whether you might need to start building in some commercial breaks to engage differently with the people around you. Think about what your next step is, and take it today. Maybe it’s calling a friend, a psychologist, or your satellite provider, or maybe it’s just taking a well-deserved, long-awaited nap. Whatever your step is, it’s time to pick up the remote control and make a change.

Emotional Wellness, Motivation, Relationships, Self Help, Tips for Couples

Should you lower the bar?

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Let’s face it: You’re not perfect, and nobody else in your life is either. The sooner we can all acknowledge that, the better. Our feelings in life typically revolve around expectations, and if we can learn to modify them we have a good shot at also modifying the feelings that follow.

Am I saying that you should lower the bar in your life? That you should stop striving for excellence? That you should aim so low that you are all but guaranteed success? Hardly!

What I am suggesting is that sometimes our expectations may not be useful. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. Goals are great. Intentions are important. Plans provide purpose. Expectations, on the other hand, can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and fear when we don’t measure up, when we fail, or when we just don’t quite reach as far as we’d hoped.

WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT EXPECTATIONS?

The problem with expectations is that they can make us believe that the only kind of success is complete/total success. In reality, there are gradations of success. Life is one big gray moment, slowly passing by with infinite opportunities for growth, acceptance, persistence, critical thinking, teamwork, and grace.

Seldom will we feel completely satisfied. Rare is the goal completely accomplished. And what happens once we reach a goal? How long will we sit around riding the wave of success? We need to start anew with other challenges/goals or our lives become stagnant.

“IF YOUR COMPANY ISN’T GROWING, IT’S DYING!”

Take a look at almost any successful business in America and you’ll likely find that they grow consistently over time. Rarely will a successful company stay successful if they plateau in their sales, membership, etc. Maintenance is not the path to success. Think growth. This mentality applies not only to business, but to relationships, personality, and careers. Always be looking for where you can be growing.

Just be careful that when you sit down to plan out growth/development in your business, marriage, church, family or peer group that you aim for what seems unreachable but hold yourself only to realistic expectations for what success will mean. Celebrate the small accomplishments along the way. See each moment as one in which you can claim success and move closer to your audacious end goal.

HOW CAN I APPLY THIS MENTALITY TO MY LIFE?

If you are at your limit for patience in your marriage and can’t see how things could ever be as good as you once dreamed, look for small moments to intervene. Don’t focus on how you want your relationship to be 5 years from now.

Find a small opportunity to be the change that you’d like to see in the marriage and go for it (try something as simple as counting to 4 before saying what you really want to say- this gives you a chance to reconsider saying something potentially damaging). Abandon your own need to see the finish line before doing something different, and accept a step in the right direction as success for the day.

If you are looking to grow your business don’t focus on your sales goal for  5 years from now. Definitely have that goal written down somewhere, but focus on what you can do today to increase sales.

How can you network with a colleague through social media in the next 10 minutes? What innovative strategy for marketing brainstorming can you insert in your next team meeting?

SUMMING UP

All said, you likely can’t reach the high bar you set for tomorrow by being anxious about it today. Take incremental steps and expect only that you will try your best, rather than that you will have the best outcomes. That part really is ultimately out of your control. People still have to choose you/your company over others. (If you find that you have to be in control most of the time and it’s getting in the way, that’s another issue to consider working on).

Letting go of expectations can be difficult. We want so badly to be successful. To be the best. To serve the most people. To reach our lofty goals. We want good returns on our investments of time energy, emotion, and expertise. Let’s just be careful that our desires don’t become expectations.

Acknowledge and accept your limitations. Set your goals at “excellent” and your expectations at “reasonable.” Keep striving for the best, but stay aware of how your expectations may be getting the best of you.

IF YOU’RE STILL HAVING TROUBLE…

You may have been trying like crazy to get control of your life but you constantly feel like an inadequate failure. Maybe you can’t seem to do anything right. Perhaps you want so badly to make things work in your relationships but it seems impossible to climb back out of the hole you’ve been digging. Maybe it’s time for a little professional assistance. Let’s work together to keep the bar high in your life but keep your expectations reasonable!

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

 

Motivation, Self Help

Are you worth a second chance?

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I watched the movie, “Seabiscuit” yesterday, and for any of you who have not seen it, I’d highly recommend it. While the film is well-acted, -directed, etc. it’s really the story that jumps out. At face value, “Seabiscuit” is a horse racing movie. I understand that 2/3 of you may have just tuned out, but stay with me for a quick minute here. If you look past the action/drama of the come-from-behind horse racing story, a much clearer picture emerges.

The foundation of the story is the constant struggle to overcome. The characters have all experienced a significant loss and are dealing with the powerful emotions of grief, depression, remorse, anger, self-doubt, and uncertainty. One of my favorite lines from the film is, “You don’t throw a whole life away just because it’s banged up a little.” This is said at times when characters are experiencing others giving up on them because of their failures, flaws, losses, even poor state of health.

Surely most of us have felt pretty low at times. Perhaps you’ve gotten to the point that you wanted to (or did) give up on an important relationship, career, education, business venture, or marriage. Maybe you’ve felt “banged up” in life. If you’re at all like the characters in “Seabiscuit” you’ve probably felt the need to have a second chance at something, maybe at life in general.

One of the hardest parts of this whole “second chance” business is the need to be able to give yourself one. It won’t really matter how many chances others give you if you are unable to see yourself as worthy of receiving them. If someone gives you a new lease on life by forgiving you, asking you on a date, hiring you, etc. there’s not much chance that you’ll fully take advantage of the new opportunity if you haven’t first taken a crucial internal step.

It is imperative that, regardless of how many times you have let yourself or others down, you forgive yourself, accept yourself, or at minimum, consider that you just might do better the next time.  See the possibility of a different outcome. You may need to lean on someone else for this at first. This is about hope, and sometimes hope can be hard to come by.

The bottom line is that when it comes to second chances, to make the most of them you’ve got to start with yourself. Whether you ask for one or it’s simply given to you, a second chance is easy to waste if you haven’t personally entertained the thought that you can be, feel, relate and live better.

“Seabiscuit” is about overcoming. It is about community. A coming together of broken people finding their wholeness by being vulnerable with each other and trusting that they are better together. However banged up life has left you, remember that you’re still here. You’ve made it this far! I don’t know what your second chance looks like, but since you’re reading this, it seems life has given you one. It’s up to you how you use it.

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.