Category Archives: Parenting

Emotional Wellness, forgiveness, Parenting, Relationships, Self Care, Self Help, Tips for Couples, Uncategorized

You Didn’t Marry Your Parents (They’re Hiding in Your Suitcase)

You’ve probably heard the age-old line about how we all tend to marry our mother/father in some way. Maybe your mom was bossy/demanding, and you’re starting to notice that your wife can be pretty controlling and you never measure up. Maybe you had your dad wrapped around your little finger and you picked a husband who does everything you ask, but doesn’t seem to have any ideas of his own, and now you’re feeling bored.

The problem with these kinds of relationship dynamics is that they’re great at first. We love to feel comfortable in relationships, so we often end up dating and marrying people who make us feel things we’ve felt before. We seek what we know. And once we get comfortable, it’s hard to change things, even if it’s for the better!

Comfort in Discomfort

I can’t recall where I first heard this, but I can’t tell you how many times it rings true with my clients: “People tend to stay the same until the status quo becomes more painful or scary than trying something new.”

What this means for our adult relationships is that we likely had a particular way that we felt in our early relationships that we’ve carried into our romantic relationships. The feelings are not always good or bad. They can be anything- fear, comfort, apprehension, security, longing, inadequacy, etc.

Let’s take fear as an example. If your relationship with one or more of your parents consistently involved fear, you likely try to avoid fear at all costs. You may settle for someone less than ideal simply because s/he is not overtly threatening. Maybe your fear leads you to avoid being truly vulnerable, no matter how sensitive, gentle, and inviting your partner is around you. Maybe you take a more active approach and your fear has led you to be controlling in relationships, making sure that you manage minute details of the relationship (e.g. your partner’s schedule, their messaging habits, their social life, etc.). Whatever the behavioral response, it’s important to recognize where it may be coming from.

Emptying Your Suitcase

We all carry around a relationship suitcase from childhood. The trick here is to recognize what feelings or patterns you’ve carried around in your adult relationships, and be intentional about seeking something different and healthier. Staying present with your partner is a great first step. If you think you can trust them to be on your side and to be invested in improving the quality of your relationship, however poor your combined communication skills might be, ask them to monitor some behaviors for you.

Tell them about the old family baggage you found in your relationship suitcase, and that you’re trying to get rid of it for the sake of your relationship. Tell them the ways that you are trying to improve/adapt/change, and ask them to gently bring it to your attention when you start sliding into old habits. I tell all of my therapy couples that it’s important for them to start letting go of their history and start telling a new story. This requires forgiveness, eventually, and a good way to start down that road is to focus on personal humility and collaborative problem solving around these suitcase issues in the present moment.

No Shaming Allowed

When they call your attention to a problem behavior, they should only bring it to your attention, not judge you. There should be a collaborative feel to the whole process. No shaming allowed (by either of you). This is an opportunity to come together over a shared goal: having the most amazing relationship you can! The things you share in a vulnerable conversation are not allowed to be used as ammunition in future disagreements.

For that matter, past hurts/flaws are unhealthy forms of ammunition as well (again, history is a dangerous weapon!). Heck, if we’re calling it ammunition, let’s just put down our relationship guns and work together. Each of you should think of your job as being whatever your partner needs at any given time, and the work gets a lot simpler. If your focus tends to be on each others’ needs, negativity tends to diminish.

Suitcases Can Show Up Anywhere

Our family suitcase baggage can show up anywhere, but we tend to unpack most of our baggage with the people we’re closest with. This is often our spouse and our children. You might not notice it, but you probably have some similar relationship dynamics with your children as you do with your partner. Some of these may be good/helpful/healthy, and some might need some work.

If it’s a pretty mild problem, there’s a chance that you might be mainly responding to a recent difficult situation, and the problem may resolve once the situation changes. If not, and you happen to notice some unhealthy/unhelpful patterns in any of your important relationships, it’s time to do something about it.
Depending on how severe the problem is, you might just want to talk to a friend about it, or you might want to find a book, podcast, workbook, or perhaps more blogs like this one to give you some basic pointers. I recommend just about anything written by John Gottman that deals with successful relationships (e.g. What Makes Love Last?). For those looking for a religious/Christian perspective on healthy marriage, I recommend Tim Keller’s, The Meaning of Marriage.

Will This Go Away On Its Own?

The reality is, however, that most relationship patterns don’t tend to go away unless we do something intentional about them. If the problem is severe enough, meaning that it’s having a significant impact in some major area of life functioning (work, marriage, friendships, parenting, finances, self-care), it may be important to reach out for some professional assistance.

If you think you might need professional help, that’s okay! No matter where you live, there are trained professionals who can help you through the change process. Try to think of therapy as an investment in not only you, but in your relationships and your future happiness.

If you haven’t noticed what’s in your suitcase, it’s probably sitting in your closet waiting for you to open it. Your loved ones probably already have a good idea of what’s in it. If you’re feeling brave, you might just ask them about it! Whatever you decide to do, do something. Who is going to be your first text/email/call? It’s never too late to start having better relationships, and you might as well start now!

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Parenting, Relationships, Uncategorized

Should You Pay for Your Adult Child’s Therapy?

My wife and I were able to spend some quality time last night with a few other couples, each of whom was grateful to spend a night away from tending to multiple young children [huge shout out to all you amazing grandparents out there!]. During our time together, one of the couples was sharing the story of their relationship, their struggles, their celebrations, and the things that have gotten them through to this point.

The wife, Melanie, recounted the difficulties faced in her childhood when her parents divorced, spent a few years apart, and then ultimately remarried. She also talked about the fears and insecurities that lingered after these experiences, as well as the many things that have kept her going and growing.

For several years, Melanie’s husband has been her rock. Her group of supportive friends and her faith community round out the supports many of us might similarly turn to in hard times. In addition to these people, however, she mentioned a support that many of us don’t often think to turn to: therapy.

Melanie shared how her experience in therapy helped her identify strengths to deal with fears, and find new ways to think about events so that they wouldn’t have as much power over her life and relationships.

Investing in Outcomes

But that’s not what struck me most last night. Perhaps the most unusual thing I heard last night was about how her therapy was paid for. Melanie’s therapy was paid for by her parents. And while it’s not entirely unusual for parents to pay for their child to go to therapy, it’s far less common for adults than for minors. But the thing that really jumped out at me was why her parents offered to pay for counseling.

They said that they felt responsible to help Melanie find healing from the damage that they caused through her witnessing their tumultuous relationship. What!? It was so touching to hear about how her parents, who had found healing for their own relationship, were willing to help their daughter pick up the pieces of a broken childhood to live a full and healthy adult life. They didn’t have to, but they showed humility and generosity and decided to help.

Melanie is an amazing mom, thoughtful friend, and deeply cares for everyone around her. I am personally grateful for her parents’ insight and eagerness to not only secure the health of their own marriage bond, but also to invest in Melanie, who continues to positively impact people like me.

What Are You Saving For?

Many parents spend a great deal of time worrying about how to help their kids pay for college. And yes, college can be pretty expensive. As as college professor, who spent 10 years in college and graduate school racking up loans, I can testify to what a tremendous stressor that can be on a student and their future family.

That said, if you are a parent and are starting to think about helping your kids pay for college, can I make one suggestion? In addition to talking to your financial advisor about starting a separate savings account or a tax-sheltered insurance/investment policy, start thinking about therapy. Paying for therapy may be a more meaningful gift than all the birthday and Christmas presents you ever give them combined!

But My Kids Are All Grown Up!

Whether your kid is 6 months old, 6 years old, or 6 minutes past his or her welcome in your house as an adult, I encourage you to consider thinking about whether your kid(s) might benefit from therapy at some point, and whether you’d be willing to help them out with that. If you don’t think you can afford both, at least help them to select a college with a great counseling center with easily accessible and free/inexpensive therapy for students.

Therapy often carries with it an unfortunate stigma. I tell my clients all the time that there’s nothing magical about therapy. Yes, I’ve spent 6 years in graduate training, several years teaching and researching what works best to help people, and have thousands of hours of experience helping people cope more effectively and improve their lives and relationships. But after all that, at its most basic, therapy is just two people in a room together, talking about life.

Be Part of the Healing

No parent is perfect. We’ve all had moments we wish we could take back. If you think your child needs healing from any parent-inflicted wounds, you’ve got an opportunity to be part of the repair process. And remember, we’re never too old to start healing.

If you happen to know that your child (even an adult child) is going through some rough times, whether they’re a minor or an adult, consider whether you might be able to pay for some professional help. That gesture alone may go a long way in healing ruptures in your relationship if you sense that you’ve caused them some grief over the years.

For families who have undergone particularly traumatic experiences, paying for therapy may even turn out to be a much greater investment in the child’s life than paying for college. After all, what good is a degree if they’re not emotionally and relationally healthy enough to use it!? And if you help them access both, all the better!

Be Awesome, Stay Humble!

I don’t know Melanie’s parents, but I’m grateful for their example. To all you hard-working parents out there, I salute you in your efforts to do one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. Here’s to doing our best to maximize the good, minimize the harm done, humbly and vulnerably admit when we have fallen short, and do what we can to help our kids find healing and repair moving forward.

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Parenting

My Baby Won’t Stop Screaming! 6 Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity at 3am

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I’ve recently seen several posters with a sad looking infant and the phrase, “Never shake a baby. NEVER.” I’ll start by saying that I wholeheartedly agree that noone should EVER shake a baby.

I understand, however, why parents often feel tempted to do things that are physically dangerous for their children. It’s 3am and your baby is awake for the fourth time. She’s inconsolable. She won’t eat. She won’t sleep. You changed her diaper a few minutes ago. She just…won’t…stop.

As a parent, this is an overwhelming and all-too-common situation. It’s the nightmare scenario that is impossible to wake from because you’re never actually asleep long enough to dream! So what is a desperate parent to do? I want to share just a few possible approaches to handling this situation to help you feel a bit less crazy in those moments. I’d say not crazy at all, but as much as having kids is rewarding, it’s just a little crazy, right!? My ultimate hope, though, is that regardless of whether you feel better at 3am you will NEVER do anything that could harm your baby that you will immediately regret. Check out these strategies for getting through those sleepless screaming nights:

  1. Take a deep breath. It seems simple, but breathing is something we do without thinking and the way we do it can have an immediate impact on how we feel physically and emotionally. Try pressing your index and middle fingers against the vein in your neck and slowly breathe in and out. Notice the slight slowing as you breathe out instead of in. Quick, shallow breaths can raise your anxiety level and slow, deep breaths can lower it. Breathe in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 4, and then bring your focus back to your baby. Repeat as often as needed.
  2. Talk to yourself. Yes, I know I said that it can feel crazy at times being a parent, but that’s not the kind of crazy we mean here. Use “positive self-talk” to get you through the most difficult moments. Say (out loud) things like, “I can do this,” “This won’t last forever,” “This is only a phase,” or “She needs me to stay calm.” Be your own coach and encourager. Your child won’t mind the talking. Heck, they’re probably screaming anyway so it’s not going to wake them up. Your calm voice just may soothe them and help them sleep.
  3. If you have a partner to trade off with, do it! Parenting is always easier when the load can be shared. Talk with your partner about a plan for those rough nights when nothing seems to work. As is always the case in relationships, communication is key! It’s better to have your partner get less sleep because you passed the baton to them than to yell at or shake your baby.
  4. Try singing while you rock/bounce them (every parent knows the “bouncing baby walk”). Sometimes the difference in tone will calm them. Remember that they don’t know if you’re a good singer or not. They don’t care. They just like hearing that you are near and in control.
  5. Check for anything that may be bothering your child. Are they getting pinched by a zipper? Having a hard time breathing for any reason? Arm/leg stuck in the slats of the crib? One of your stray hairs wrapped around a finger, toe, or penis? In addition to being generally upsetting, these can each be dangerous to the baby in their own way.
  6. If all else fails, just walk away. Not forever. Not even for a long time. Just get yourself a quick break for 2 minutes to collect your thoughts and feelings. Generally speaking, crying is not bad for babies. It’s how they tell us the need something. We just need to make sure there is nothing dangerous or painful that is causing them to cry. Take a short breather and remind yourself that crying is their job. They’re communicating the best way they know how. In the long run it will be better for you and your baby if you make sure your emotions are back to baseline before trying to soothe them.

No matter what happens, whether the strategies above are effective for your child or not, remember that your baby is not trying to annoy you. They’ll have plenty of time to purposefully push your buttons when they’re 2, 3, or any of the teenage years! Right now they just need you to be a safe, calm presence that they can count on to meet their needs.

If you find yourself struggling with the constant demands of parenting, if it’s starting to wear you down physically and emotionally, or if there is anything in your life that needs work so that you can be the emotionally and physically available parent you want to be for your children, get in touch with me at 657-200-8080 to set up a consultation at one of my Orange County offices. You can also reach me at robertp@californiaalturavista.com.

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Photo credit: <a href=”https://www.flickr.com/photos/londonlooks/534225752/”>London looks</a> / <a href=”http://foter.com/”>Foter.com</a&gt; / <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/”>CC BY-NC</a>

Parenting

How to stop a tantrum without candy (and produce a pleasant person in the process)

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You may have seen a child throwing a tantrum in a restaurant and asked the person next to you, “Why doesn’t that mom just take her kid outside? He’s making a scene!” Maybe he wanted the chicken nuggets and got sushi. Maybe he wanted chocolate milk and got regular milk. Who knows? The important thing is that your romantic dinner date has now been interrupted. So again, why won’t that mom just take that obnoxious child outside already?!

If you are a parent, you may be reading this and thinking, “Hey! I’ve been there before, and sometimes there’s just nothing I can do! My son just won’t let me have a meal at a restaurant in peace unless he gets his way.” Or, you may be thinking, “Even if I take him outside, when we come back in he’s just going to start screaming again if I don’t give him what he wants. There’s no winning with this kid!”

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, read on for some thoughts on how your child may be trying to train you, and how a shift in parenting style can minimize the frequency of these situations in the future.

Let’s first take a look at a simple example to illustrate how NOT to encourage positive behavior from your children in public. I was recently in the checkout line at a grocery store and there was a family of four in front of me. The parents, a grandmother, and a young girl of about 3 or 4. The girl, seated in the shopping cart, initially was calm and quiet in her request for some M&Ms candy. The parents said “No” and the girl was obviously displeased with this answer.

The girl then began to rapidly escalate her behavior from quietly asking for the candy to whining and eventually crying about not getting her way. Out of apparent embarrassment and a desire to quickly quiet their daughter, the parents said, “Fine. Just be quiet,” and put the M&Ms on the checkout conveyor belt. I cringed inside knowing the potential long term impact of their actions.

Anyone want to guess what this girl is going to do the next time she is in the checkout line? You guessed it: Cry for more M&Ms. If the parents continue to avoid temporary pain/embarrassment, what do you suppose the long term effect will be? What might happen when the girl is 16 and she wants to stay out several hours past her bedtime with her boyfriend the night before taking her SATs? How much power/authority will her parents have at that point to impact her behavior?

Sadly, the pain-avoidance behavior of these parents will have gradually stripped them of vital parental influence. They will have lost the power struggle via surrender. They did not establish themselves as authorities in their daughter’s life early on and consistently throughout her childhood/adolescence.

So what is a parent to do in this type of situation? Should you just let your son scream for an hour in the restaurant, disrupting the meals of dozens of other patrons? Should you buy the M&Ms but tell your daughter she has to wait until she is in the car to eat them?

There are clearly many ways for frustrated parents to respond that are potentially unhelpful. Fortunately there are also several responses that can be helpful and encourage prosocial, cooperative, desired behaviors. While there is no magic cure, no one thing you can do in all situations, there are ways to approach your child that may improve their behavior over time.

  • Keep calm (responding when your blood pressure is raised and the primitive, emotional part of your brain is activated will all but ensure that your response will not be optimal from a long-term change perspective)
  • If the situation permits, ignoring an unwanted behavior until it extinguishes (stops) on its own is preferable. I know this is likely an unreasonable strategy in many public settings, so please read on!
  • Stop doing what you are doing and focus completely on your child during this confrontation
  • Make eye contact by leaning/kneeling down to the child’s level. This reduces the physical intimidation factor and demonstrates respect (give respect to earn respect- modeling is an important part of their social education). This also increases the odds that your child is actually paying attention to you when you speak.
  • Establish the desired/expected behavior very specifically (“Taylor, I need you to sit quietly while we are in the restaurant.” or “We are not buying any candy today, Avery. Please sit down in the cart and use your inside voice.”)
  • Don’t be afraid to say “No.” to your child. They will hear this word often in life, and they need to be emotionally prepared to handle disappointment. This starts with you, and you need to get comfortable with their discomfort. (You should also get used to hearing them say No, as the toddler and teen years will be filled with many No’s from both sides!)
  • Respond to emotional outbursts with logic and consistency. This should, over time, demonstrate to the child that tantrums will not automatically result in their desired outcomes of excessive attention and getting their way.
  • If necessary (if the above steps do not initially produce the desired behavior), temporarily leave the situation, repeat the above steps, and request a commitment of compliance (“Are you going to talk nicely to your brother at the dinner table?”). Then head back inside and give it a go.
  • In all steps above, avoid bribing your child (If you do _____ I’ll give you ___). Establishing a reward for positive/desired behavior ahead of time can be useful, but setting it up after the child begins fussing can reward the fussing, rather than the desired behavior.
  • If everything above fails, it may be necessary to leave the situation permanently (at least for that day). Reevaluate whether your child was emotionally/ behaviorally/ cognitively ready to participate in the situation. Here it is useful to consider what kind of restaurant a 2, 5, 10, or 17 year old may be ready for. If we set a child up for failure in an overly demanding environment we have let them down. They have not failed us by simply acting in ways that are developmentally typical for their age. Expectations need to be appropriate.

There are obviously more steps that can be taken and many nuances to what you can do in the unlimited variety of complex situations in which your child (whether 6 or 16) may throw a tantrum. The above steps are a good starting place for most basic situations and can be useful even in some more complex settings.

Unfortunately there will likely be temporary sacrifices you end up making, such as avoiding a favorite restaurant, going to the movies, concerts, etc. while your child is not adequately prepared to accompany you. However, by consistently following through on the above steps you can give your child a fighting chance at being a respectful, reasonable, logic- and consequences-driven adult. With practice for them, and much patience from you, they may make progress much faster than you’d think!

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Photo credit: Mindaugas Danys; “scream and shout”, used under Creative Commons limited license