You’ve probably heard the maxim, “It takes money to make money.”
Unfortunately, even if you’ve been gifted the initial setup from a friend or website dating service, most of the future investments will need to be your own. Yes, it may be financial ($$ for dates, $$ for gas to visit your partner, maybe eventually $$ for rings, etc.), but certainly not always.
Your partner, depending on their particular love language and attachment needs, may need some very specific things that you’re not aware of and may not feel prepared to give depending on your own background and needs.
What does relationship investing look like?
Investing may take the form of seeking the advice of a trusted friend/couple, family member, pastor, or therapist. Some resources will be free, while others may cost you a great deal of money.
The question it always comes down to is this: How committed are you to keeping the promise you made to your partner?
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to save your relationship? Will you go to the moon and back to show him/her that they matter? Will you give up the vacation time you planned with a friend to stay with them and work on the relationship? Will you reduce your hours at work to spend more time at home with your family? Will you attend therapy with someone that is not just convenient or cheap, but you’ve decided may actually be a good fit or comes highly recommended?
How does this play out in real life?
The “It takes money to make money” principle is almost never more true in a relationship than in the following two ways:
1- You consistently invest time, energy, and financial resources in your relationship and partner. This helps you avoid counseling and divorce attorney fees down the road, and you are more likely to have a successful/healthy/happy marriage for years to come.
2- One or both of you have not done #1 above as well as you could have, and you are now living separate from each other, spending unnecessary sums of money on two homes. You spend more on gas and food, electricity, heating, and everything else that would be contained to one bill if together. By investing in quality counseling for, say, 10-20 sessions, you stand to not only have a relationship that is thriving again, or maybe even for the first time, but also to save thousands of dollars over the course of months or years of separation.
The “Ouch” factor in counseling
People often hear what therapy costs and literally say, “Ouch!” I practice in Huntington Beach, California, and apartment rent ranges from around $1500 to $2500/month (though this is for a pretty standard, smaller, non-luxury apt.). Five months of weekly therapy with me costs couples less than two months of rent at a pretty average apartment in Huntington Beach.
Many will still see the cost of therapy and hesitate, but I’d encourage you to consider the costs of not coming to therapy, even in the short term. Long term you’re looking at tremendous costs in the thousands of dollars (rent, attorneys, etc.). Short term, you’re looking at seldom feeling happy, loved, fulfilled, worthy, cared-for, prioritized, valued, special, trusting, and secure.
Add this to the anxiety and stress that is experienced by couples in distress brought on not only by each other, but the social pressures of keeping up appearances with children friends, church members, colleagues, family members, and others, and these costs begin to feel more burdensome than a withering bank account. (See also this related article).
Investing vs. the relationship lottery
The bottom line is this: Either your relationship is worth saving and investing in, or it isn’t. I hope you’ll pardon me here, but there’s no way to successfully half-ass your relationship. You either spend the time, energy, and money to maintain and build it, or you choose to let it crumble. Sometimes slowly, sometimes in an avalanche of disrepair.
It’s your call to make. Well…you and your partner. I believe that any relationship with two highly motivated partners can succeed with the right guidance. If you’re ready to invest in your relationship, there’s no better time than today. Make the phone call or send that email you’ve been putting off. The longer you wait, the more it costs you. Start investing now!
Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.