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Investing in your Marriage

You’ve probably heard the maxim, “It takes money to make money.”

Unfortunately, even if you’ve been gifted the initial setup from a friend or website dating service, most of the future investments will need to be your own. Yes, it may be financial ($$ for dates, $$ for gas to visit your partner, maybe eventually $$ for rings, etc.), but certainly not always.

Your partner, depending on their particular love language and attachment needs, may need some very specific things that you’re not aware of and may not feel prepared to give depending on your own background and needs.

What does relationship investing look like?

Investing may take the form of seeking the advice of a trusted friend/couple, family member, pastor, or therapist. Some resources will be free, while others may cost you a great deal of money.

The question it always comes down to is this: How committed are you to keeping the promise you made to your partner?

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to save your relationship? Will you go to the moon and back to show him/her that they matter? Will you give up the vacation time you planned with a friend to stay with them and work on the relationship? Will you reduce your hours at work to spend more time at home with your family? Will you attend therapy with someone that is not just convenient or cheap, but you’ve decided may actually be a good fit or comes highly recommended?

How does this play out in real life?

The “It takes money to make money” principle is almost never more true in a relationship than in the following two ways:

1- You consistently invest time, energy, and financial resources in your relationship and partner. This helps you avoid counseling and divorce attorney fees down the road, and you are more likely to have a successful/healthy/happy marriage for years to come.

2- One or both of you have not done #1 above as well as you could have, and you are now living separate from each other, spending unnecessary sums of money on two homes. You spend more on gas and food, electricity, heating, and everything else that would be contained to one bill if together. By investing in quality counseling for, say, 10-20 sessions, you stand to not only have a relationship that is thriving again, or maybe even for the first time, but also to save thousands of dollars over the course of months or years of separation.

The “Ouch” factor in counseling

People often hear what therapy costs and literally say, “Ouch!” I practice in Huntington Beach, California, and apartment rent ranges from around $1500 to $2500/month (though this is for a pretty standard, smaller, non-luxury apt.). Five months of weekly therapy with me costs couples less than two months of rent at a pretty average apartment in Huntington Beach.

Many will still see the cost of therapy and hesitate, but I’d encourage you to consider the costs of not coming to therapy, even in the short term. Long term you’re looking at tremendous costs in the thousands of dollars (rent, attorneys, etc.). Short term, you’re looking at seldom feeling happy, loved, fulfilled, worthy, cared-for, prioritized, valued, special, trusting, and secure.

Add this to the anxiety and stress that is experienced by couples in distress brought on not only by each other, but the social pressures of keeping up appearances with children friends, church members, colleagues, family members, and others, and these costs begin to feel more burdensome than a withering bank account. (See also this related article).

Investing vs. the relationship lottery

The bottom line is this: Either your relationship is worth saving and investing in, or it isn’t. I hope you’ll pardon me here, but there’s no way to successfully half-ass your relationship. You either spend the time, energy, and money to maintain and build it, or you choose to let it crumble. Sometimes slowly, sometimes in an avalanche of disrepair.

It’s your call to make. Well…you and your partner. I believe that any relationship with two highly motivated partners can succeed with the right guidance. If you’re ready to invest in your relationship, there’s no better time than today. Make the phone call or send that email you’ve been putting off. The longer you wait, the more it costs you. Start investing now!

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Fast Fix Flowers: Listening Between the Lines

Fast Fix Flowers: Listening Between the Lines

A while back I was talking with a distressed couple on the brink of ending their relationship. Their situation reminded me of the importance of closely attending to what our partners really want. I call this “listening between the lines.” In this situation the wife was tremendously upset by something awful the husband had done. Embarrassed. Livid. This was how she felt, and rightfully so. She just wanted distance. Space to think and feel. Almost anyone in her situation, including you or I, would probably feel the same.

Follow up actions can help or harm.

The husband, to his credit, owned up to his actions and began doing what he could to initiate repair in the relationship. One such action was to buy his wife flowers. Under normal circumstances this would be a welcome gesture to most wives! A thoughtful, spur of the moment gift to make her feel special, right? Perhaps not surprisingly, in this situation the wife was more upset by the gift. She saw it as a refusal to respect her desire for space and time to process her feelings and decide what she would like to do moving forward.

What kind of flowers does she really want?

The repentant husband learned that giving his wife some space was exactly the kind of “flowers” she wanted. It wasn’t about a quick fix, or something that would directly make her (or him) feel better in the short term. It was about allowing forgiveness to happen on his partner’s terms, if at all. The first step to potential healing was to give up control over the healing process and take the risk of giving exactly what his wife needed at the moment.

Ask for what you need!

If you’ve experienced a breech of trust in a relationship, been hurt deeply, and felt like giving up on a relationship that means the world to you, it’s important to ask for exactly what you believe you need. Setting boundaries will be important. You may want space. You may initially want more frequent check-ins with your partner. You will typically be the best person to identify your needs in any given moment. That said, your partner may need to help you express those needs, and this can be hard to do if communication has not been a strength in your relationship.

Finding the journey too difficult alone?

Learning to trust again, learning to communicate in healthy ways, having someone to facilitate discussion and problem-solving, these are all things that effective marriage counselors can help with. If you are in the Huntington Beach or Orange County area and need help getting a derailed relationship back on the tracks, please give me a call to discuss how I can help.

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

Why Therapists Go To Therapy

As a professor in a Marriage and Family Therapy training program I have had the pleasure of working with countless developing therapists. One of the things that has always struck me about many of our students is the diversity of reasons for which they joined the program. It is no secret that most therapists are, to use Henry Nouwen’s phrase, “wounded healers.” We mental health professionals are no different from the rest of the population when it comes to experiences of brokenness, hurt, remorse, doubt, and generally difficult life experiences.

One of the traits that often does separate mental health professionals is the specific training we have received in how to cope with and alter difficult feelings and circumstances. Unfortunately, all the training and schooling in the world are not enough to give us the experience that our clients have of being brave and vulnerable in sharing the darker, more troubled portions of our stories. This is where the idea of therapists going to therapy may start to sound less odd.

One of the many reasons therapists seek out personal therapy is to gain the experience of being “on the couch.” There’s really nothing like it. It’s exhilarating. It’s nerve wracking. It’s calming. It’s frustrating. It has the potential to be nearly everything you want in a relationship and at the same time, it’s not intended to last, however beneficial it may be. At minimum, it helps therapists to have empathy for their clients in a more direct, experiential way. This is invaluable clinical experience because they will regularly ask clients/patients to go through that same personal stretching.

Aside from the professional development reason above, personal therapy (whether individual, group, or couples/family) has the indirect consequence of helping clients by healing the healer. I’m a firm believer that it is not entirely necessary for a therapist to have been through the exact experience that their client has, but I do believe that it is important for a therapist to have struggled. With something. Someone. Anything.

People seldom come to therapy because life is going exactly as planned. I often say that in therapy there is no growth without tension or resistance. If everything is comfortable at all times, nobody is changing. Things will stay the same, and goals will not be met. It is important for therapists looking to join with their clients in their struggles to have wrestled with their own demons.

When it comes down to it, therapy is just people in a room talking, working out the details and struggles of life, trying to manage the difficulties and maximize the joys. Therapists who have successfully explored and endured their own hardships can feel more confident in their ability to connect with and facilitate healing for a wide variety of clients who may call for an appointment.

Bottom line: If we have learned to struggle with and manage our own difficulties we are typically better prepared to help others to do the same. The specific issue struggled with is less important than that we have struggled. If you are a therapist and have not experienced therapy from the couch side of the treatment room, you might want to check it out. Maybe get a recommendation for a therapist and get some unbiased feedback during sessions. Or perhaps join a therapy group for therapists and benefit from several experienced sets of eyes and ears every session. It will be great for you and help you to be even more effective as a clinician than classes, books, workshops and even clinical experience could ever do by themselves.

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.

A Place to Start

Hello! Welcome to Dr. Pate Says, a space for exploring the myriad issues of life. Topics will include everything from relationships to parenting, work difficulties to family conflict, surviving trauma to self-care, and anything else that may relate to how we get through the daily grind.

I’ve been in the field of Mental Health in various capacities since 2004 and my hope with this site is that you will leave with something every time you visit. Each post may not directly relate to something you are personally struggling with, but chances are, someone you know is probably dealing with the issue right now. You just might be able to give them the feedback they need, or at least point them in the direction of someone who can. The point is that information related to mental health is relevant for everyone. This is true because we interact with so many people everyday and we all have things that we wrestle with.

For some, it’s a broken relationship that is taking a long time to heal. For others, that relationship has simply never materialized in the first place. Many have experienced one or more traumas. Though you have survived it, you may not have thrived beyond it. For some, the simple act of expressing a want or a need may seem impossible. For others, starting a relationship may be simple, but maintaining it can seem like a futile pursuit. For some, emotions like anger, fear, or depression can take us prisoner for hours, days, weeks, or even years at a time. Perhaps others’ expectations may seem impossibly high. Maybe your own expectations are unrealistically high!

Whatever your situation, I hope you will join in by checking back regularly or, even more simply, by clicking the “subscribe” button to receive an email when I write about a new topic (typically landing in your “Social” folder in your inbox unless you specify otherwise). The posts you read will be geared toward helping make sense of difficult relational, emotional, and psychological issues. Hopefully you will walk away with something to apply to your life. Or, you may simply marinate in the information for a time until it becomes more personally relevant.

Thank you for checking out the site, and buckle up! Life is a bumpy ride, and it’s easy to get banged up along the way. Check out some of the other posts and leave feedback to encourage other visitors who may be on the same journey with you. Welcome aboard!

 

Robert2 Dr. Robert Pate is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY27089) practicing in Orange County, California. For more information about Dr. Pate’s practice, call 657-200-8080 or visit www.cavfamilytherapy.com.